Let go.

Today I realized that Tim dating that girl Rain might be a good thing. Finally time to let it go. It might not be the decision that I wanted but it might be better this way. My friend actually thinks I should talk to him about getting into a relationship. But you know, I don’t want to play this game if there is no chance of me winning. 

Someone nice, cute and charming will come :), I just have to wait my time!!

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Field Trip

Today I had a field trip. It was pretty fun, I guess. I was just a little in shock that Tim showed up with his NEW GIRLFRIEND :(. She doesn’t even go to this school… I have heard that she will be coming to my school on Monday. I don’t want to be seeing them every single day holding hands, making out in front of my face… *facepalm*

YOU KNOW WHAT. I’M OVER IT! Let him be happy. I can do so much better than him. 

I feel your pain (Inspirational post)!<3

A Teenage Touch

So today I sat down and thought of all the heartbroken/lost/lonely/depressed.
Then decided to write quotes, maybe a long paragraph for each section.
So find the section you’re in and well… Read (:

Heartbroken:

Hey there, I know how it is.
To stay awake till sickening hours of the morning and even though your eyes sting with tiredness, you still can’t sleep.
I know how it is to cry in the shower, or sit knees folded under you with your body bent over in a bent over C and cry so hard that you can’t breathe, that you gulp for air. When you cry so much your eyes are puffy and blood shot.
When you feel that pang when you hear their name, when you can’t breathe properly because of the memories and when it feels like your heart is just constantly beating broken pieces of it…

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Aside

I’m done, I’m…

I’m done, I’m soo done. I can’t believe Tim can be like that. what the fuck. Seriously. 

One of my really really really good friends Subin is also good friends with the girl I thought Tim was cheating with. By the way, her name is Rain. 

So Subin called me and told her that Rain broke up with her boyfriend for  Tim. Now Tim and Rain are fucking dating. Are you fucking kidding me? Tim told me that he had no feelings for Rain and now BAM, they are dating. 

I knew I couldn’t trust him. I knew it. I deleted his phone number out of my phone and I will not talk to him not even look at him. I will totally ignore him. 

Confusing

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WHAT REALLY! Yesterday Tim messaged me and asked how I was doing, if my stomach still hurt. I said that I was fine. But we talked for a bit and he said he did some drugs there, so I’m like “Oh I’m glad that I didn’t waste my time there.” and he’s like “I would have stayed sober for you. We would say hi to my friends and then I would spend time with you”. I have no idea if he is just being cheesy or if he is speaking the truth… Yesterday I was so sure that I was done with him, that I shouldn’t tell him that the feelings are still there for him. But now again, I’m struggling. There is just something in my heart that doesn’t want to let him go. WHY IS LIFE SO CONFUSING

Cancelled

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What a waste of my day.  Tim wanted to hang out with his friends and I instead of just us two… That was not what I expected. OMG. I’m actually so annoyed right now. I thought it would be like watching a movie at his house and finish having our heart to heart. But noooooo, he wants to hang out with his friends. I had a feeling that he wanted to get drunk and get high. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I like getting drunk, but only in the weekends or at least when I’m sleeping over at a friends house and I’m not into the ‘getting high’ life style.

I made up a lie, saying that my tummy hurts because I am on my period. I was already ahead of him so when I got close to the subway I called him and told him that. You know what he said? “I won’t get mad at you for having a stomach ache”. He shouldn’t don’t you think! But I was lying anyways so yeah.. May be I just should have said that I didn’t want to come, may be he would have changed his mind.

My friend told me that the love that Tim and I once had is old. We both obviously changed and I need a new love, someone new to fight for.
I have also been questioning myself. Do I love him or do I like being loved by him?

Took the risk.

Well, I took a risk. I asked if he wants to hang out on Monday and he agreed! So now I’m just nervous and I actually hope the conversation will pop up so I can ask what he would have changed in the past. Sometimes I’m just a pussy and I am afraid to ask because I don’t want to hear the answer. It also depends on the location, it would be a lot easier if we can go to his house instead of going out you know!!! And I’m also hoping that he won’t tell me that he also wants to hang out in a group of people ):

Again reasons why not to like him

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Ahh man, Tim gives me again, a reason why not to like him. He is so confusing. I have honestly no idea what to do. Now I feel like I don’t want to tell him why I still like him and such. My best friend says I deserve way better (hopefully), and that it will be so much easier to forget him when someone loves me for me and that isn’t as confusing as Tim.

Any tips? I could use some 😦

Do over

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I have been thinking. If I could have a do over with Tim I wouldn’t change our relationship I wouldn’t change the fact that I didn’t let him explain himself. Because this makes us who we are and it made us stronger. I just wish I didn’t reject him when he asked me to hangout in August. Like I said in my previous blog post, you can’t really tell if you don’t like someone if you haven’t seen him or her in a long time. If I just hung out with him I could have figured out sooner if the sparkle is still there. But I have to be honest, I just didn’t want to admit that I still have may be small or larger feelings for him. That’s why I didn’t want to see him. But now I realized I just should have done that and I could have figured it out sooner. If we both agreed about our feelings may be we could have worked it out.. But I also got influenced by my friends, I asked them for their opinion and they said they don’t think it’s a good idea to do it, so that’s also why I didn’t hang out with him.

I’m just going to ask him if he wants to hang out this weekend, or next week. If he wants to hang out I would definitely ask him the question that I have been asking  myself too; ” If you could have a do over, what would you change?”. I guess it’s a pretty good question to think about…

Everything that has happened to both of us, it makes us who we are.

He confuses me; Do I still love him or not?

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What if I am still in love with Tim (my ex, we talked it out and now we are good friends)? What happened when I broke up with him? May be I tried to put away my feelings because we didn’t really hang out as much anymore as we used too AND because he hung out with a girl the whole night until 11am in the morning. I already lost my trust in him but that didn’t mean I could stop loving him. But of course I didn’t realize this back then. By a single change in my relationship status on Facebook I totally ruined our relationship by not letting him explain himself. When I look back at this I feel horrible, mean and can’t even believe I did this to a person that loved me very much.

You know what people say, “Oh I don’t like him anymore because I haven’t seen him in a very long time”. If you haven’t seen that special person in a very long time you can’t really tell if you still like him or not. I will just say I totally felt the sparkle again when I saw Tim at school. 

But here’s the thing, we are both very different from each other. We know each other well. And like they say, opposites attract. Yes, we have known that we are both living a different life style but that didn’t stop us from starting a relationship. He is smart, intelligent, sweet (etc.) but he drinks a lot, goes out and hangs out with different kind of people than I do. If you look at me, I don’t drink a lot. In fact, I only drink on special occasions, or sometimes just with my friends. I don’t go out every night in the weekend, I would if I could. But my parents are very protective. See how different we are? 

I really like him. There will always be a spot for him in my heart. But from the stories I hear from my friends (that also hang out with him) or that he tells me it just gives me also a reason why not to like him. Or at least to like him less. Then again, he gives me so many reasons why I want him back.